It's Hard Being a Human

And I suffer from Bi-Polar.

Suffer- experience or be subjected to (something bad or unpleasant).

I do not suffer from mania. Mania makes my house clean and shiny. Mania makes me run circles around everyone at my job. Mania makes me productive.

Now, mania might make those around me suffer, lol. I am on 100%. I talk 90 to nothing,switching subjects a thousand times. I spit around random subjects. Well, they might be random to those around me, but to me I know in my head how I got from point A to point 25. Brittany hates it. HATES it. Her mania is different.

I suffer from the depression part. I don’t get depressed often. But when I do, I’m almost completely shut down, exhausted, and useless. Depression makes me think the worst thoughts possible about myself. It makes me question my worth, my decisions, my point.

IT DOES NOT MAKE ME SUICIDAL.

But it does make me question if the things would be better off if I just wasn’t here. It makes me feel like I’ve missed out.

Depression doesn’t hit me on the regular. I don’t have bouts where I don’t feel like getting out of bed, showering, or going to work. But, when I grieve.. when tragedy or trauma sit in… that’s when I go through that. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. If I do eat, I throw it up. If I do sleep, it’s an hour at a time; dreading my dreams and disappointment with the first moment of waking up. Thoughts of wanting to numb the pain, but know that the combinations I could take could put me in a place I never intended to be. (Been there. Done that. MAYBE a story for another day.

Do I damn my father for these genetics? Sometimes. Is it his fault? I suppose not. He didn’t choose his genetics either. I do wonder if he suffers, as I do.

I truck on, in those moments, those hours, those days. It feels like it will be never-ending. And in some ways, it will be. One time just triggers the feelings of the last time I felt that way. I long for mania during those times.

Hi. I’m Jennifer….