It's Hard Being a Human

(Disclaimer: shit’s about to get real raw)

Abandonment issues are a real thing. One day you wake up and realize, “yes- I do have them.” And believe me, I realized this long ago… and then I push it back and deny it. Then it hits me front and center… and then I deny it.

Perhaps I create them.

Do I push people away for fear of being abandoned? “I mean, hell, you’re going to go anyway.” Or do I close myself off which creates an abandonment situation. Or is there genuinely something wrong with me that makes me either “unloveable” or “unable to truly love properly?”

Rejection gets me so fucked up. On any level. It leaves me grabbing and grasping every way I can.

I am a very independent person. Yet somehow, I feel so alone. Alone in a crowded room, and lonely when left alone.

I push everyone away with my personality, it seems. I see it so clearly. I see the error of my ways and yet, I cannot seem to change them. Why?

Is it simply that I’m my fathers child. Doomed to live a life of unhealed, untapped, untamed personality disorders that drive me or others insane? And to you, perhaps, that’s an excuse. To me, it is my life. My reality. Where’s the escape. Therapy? Tried it. Medication? Tried it.

I suffer from (insert whatever here.) But is it suffering when it seems to be self inflicted chaos?

You live.

You learn.

Or you don’t.