It's Hard Being a Human

Right here. Living life. With my brain going 90 mph on a million different things I should be writing, or could be writing, would be interesting to write about.

It’s been a roller coaster of some “mental health” days, let me tell you! And until you experience it, you’ve no idea! And if you have experienced it and can’t be compassionate while someone else is, well, that makes you a dick.

The truth is everything has turned into one big whirlwind. It’s all running together in ways that I can’t even explain. From insomnia, to insecurities, to hypermania mixed with a little depression and a whole lot of grief. Nevermind the day to day activities that are a must (i.e. family, kids, work, chores, bills) Sometimes, it all just gets to be too much and all you can do is sit there and cry about it. Which is dumb. And there are certain people that will let me be that person. In fact, there are a lot of people who would let me be that person. Let me, rephrase to say that there’s a certain amount of people that I allow myself to be that person in front of. And the truth of the matter is, when I get there, because it happens to rarely, it’s dubbed as ingenuine for fake, by some.

This is a blog. Ninety nine point nine percent of the people who read this, I don’t even know. I have some pretty good stats, just most of the people I don’t even know, but I digress. I’m sitting here in front of a keyboard, typing where no one can see me, and most of you don’t even know me.. and I’m still fighting back tears. I don’t know why? Hell, I don’t even know why it’s making me tear up.

Yet here I am. I am aware that I truly have a way with words. Words flow from my soul, from my heart, from my brain, and somehow I’m rarely to get them lost in translation when it spills out on to paper and on this blog. It’s a release. And yet, I don’t do it as often as I should. Am I afraid of the release? Am I afraid to put myself out there, even though most of you are strangers?

I am not okay, right now. I freely admit that. I feel lots of things times 10 right now, and I am simply going through the motions. My head is not in the game. Not in any game. Everything as of late, has been muscle memory. Except where my kid is involved. He deserves more than a shell of me. He deserves more than my minimum effort.

That’s not to say I haven’t been putting some effort in myself. I’ve actually started back on where I used to be with my whole health routine. Which Ill admit is going slower lately. I caught a miserable cold, which leads to laziness, which leads to falling back into old habits instead of embracing new ones.

What I have learned over the last years of dealing with this crap… is to some degree, it’s a cop out. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, do it over, and do it better. Any of you that I do know personally for any length of time or have been following me for any length of time, know that’s my motto. It’s just hard right now. I have an amazing support system. The trouble is, when I attempt to lean on them, a lMaot of times I’m met with resistence, or blown off. Which, if I’m truthful… and if you’ve read as far back as this goes, I’m always able to see my flaws. Im just not always able to control them, and I too have blown people off, though not intentionally. And other times, I’m like “my shit isn’t important to you, why should you reach out to me?” Wrong attitude? I’m aware. Shitty, I’m aware.

Ive been told that there are two sides of me. (Many people.) The real me, and the me people see. Contrary to what people would like to think, that’s all of us. If we went out there just being the worst versions of ourselves, no one would like us. And I heard a quote today on one of my trash tv shows, (Thats what I call reality bullshit tv,) Sometimes our reactions are based on anothers, and then vice versa. Then we create this vicious circly of, I’m not getting what I need in ths friendship, working relationship, relationship, parental relationship, so why should I give you what you desire. You don’t meet me where I am, so why should I meet you where you are. Its a neverending cycle.

Every person I have ever been in a relationship with will tell you the same things about me. Every person that I have been in a friendship gone wrong, will tell you the same thngs about me. So, in my philosphy, if more than one person says it, it’s likely true.

Two differen’t people, who have had nothing to do with each other, circles never have crossed, have told me, exact word, “You’d jump out in front of a stranger for someone you don’t know, or a drug addict, before you would the people you love and care about. The things is, One.. I would jump out for those people… and my people two. Second, I work with drug addicts, mental healt people, and gang bangers, and I can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt, they would do the same for me. Does that jumping out in front of that train look differenly? Yes. Is it priority for me to see about my family? Yes. Would I push one of those people out of the way to save mine? If I couldn’t save ya both, sorry about your luck, my family comes first.

My issue is I have a problem conveying that. I swear I think I’m doing all that I can. I feel it in my soul. But undoubtedly, I’m incapaple when it comes to those nearest and deartest to me.

Genetics run deep. Mine do. I get my bpd, my bipolar crap, my narcissic traits, my talents for writing, and my extreme thirs for knowledge as an inablity to do things in moderation, from my dad. (Who ironically, is a horrible human being, and yet some how when people ask me who he was, they either worship him or hate him. Same as me i guess.) I get my my kind heart, my codependency, my heart full of, love from my mother. Blessings and curses. All of them.

I’m a jumbled mess tonight. It’s 320 a.m. I cannot sleep. I just took a xanax, becaue my panic mode is set at full speed, and he house is quiet… so here I am.. ranting to a few friends, and a bunch of strangers…

Good night. I promise Ill do better.