It's Hard Being a Human

I’ve been diagnosed with Bi-polar. It’s no surprise, since my father is extremely bi-polar. I always find myself more on the manic side, however when something crashes in my life, and I experience grief, I get low. LOW, LOW! I don’t sleep well or I sleep all day with the help of sleeping meds, I don’t eat like I’m supposed to and I let almost everything go. Unless you’ve experienced “low functioning or non functioning depression,” you’ve no idea how that feels.

I was recently told, “I don’t have that luxury.” Is it a luxury though? I hardly find it as one. I wish I could just “not have the luxury.” Instead, I have nothing but time on my hands… and even if I didn’t, I’m a one track thinker, an over thinker, an over analytic person. I think of every single thing I could have done differently that led up to the events… or everything I should have done before someone’s death.. or whatever it pertains to. I beat myself up. I beat other people up. I can’t help who I am, though I know I desperately need to change. I just don’t know how.

I am not, nor have I ever been suicidal. I once used the wrong wording that got me almost 10-13’d once… but nope that was all a huge misunderstanding. However, I’ve often wondered, what’s the point? I’ve often thought, I have absolutely nothing going for me. This has also been reaffirmed by mean people.

People are mean. And when I get hurt or mad, I am mean too. Mostly when I get mad BECAUSE I got hurt. It doesn’t make the situation better. It makes it way worse, and that leads to the point of where I am now.

I’m going to get through this. “They can’t eat me. That’s against the law.” I will be depressed. I will feel every emotion that I truly feel. I have every right to, and I have every right to not hide it. And at some time I will somewhat pick myself up, dust myself off, do it over, and do it better. But… this will never truly go away. It’s a part of me that I’ve learned to embrace because I have to… because as I just mentioned… it’s a part of who I am.